In our evolutionary history group membership and good standing were literally matters of life and death. Banishment from a group was one of the worst and most dangerous things that could happen to a person. Although in modern society the rules of the game have changed we still carry these strong instincts to belong and bond. It's part of what kept our ancestors alive. Keep this in mind when you see your teenager react with intensity to social problems. In the transition between childhood and adulthood, social life takes a hard turn. It goes from automatic membership in the family where a social life is provided to children by their parents to being in a position to create or join a group based on their own merits and social abilities. Teenagers have to figure a lot of this out on their own. This is a new and stressful situation for some. It's no longer a matter of life and death but we are the world's most social creatures and good mental health cannot exist without a good social life.  

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The teenage years are crucial for developing the social skills that will last for the rest of your teenager's life. During these years teenagers must find a way to establish good standing and real friendship in at least one social group outside of the family. They should also begin to make forays into the romantic arena. Their relationship with authority starts to take its final form in the teenage years. Teenagers must also make advances in how to relate and work with people who they don't like and who don't like them. These social life developments can be rocky and uneven. Changes in social standing, group membership, and popularity, are common and sometimes drastic and difficult to manage. Teenagers tend to take these changes very personally and to feel them very intensely but fantastic lessons are learned along the way. I always tell parents that it's a good thing that your teenager is involved in this kind of drama. Being outside of the drama looking in is a much more serious issue. ​

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Social difficulties in teenagers involve many factors. For example, in psychotherapy, I help teenagers understand that the way they feel about themselves and how they treat themselves has a big effect on how other people treat them. If you don't like yourself or if you're very self-critical it'll be hard for other people to see and appreciate you. Or you may open yourself up to be taken advantage of. Other teenagers seem to think of socializing as a task to be well executed. These teenagers need help to understand the spontaneous and improvisational nature of conversation. They need to learn that they can trust their minds and emotions to come up with what needs to be said in the moment. And that allowing this to happen works great to attract people who genuinely like them and filter out the rest. Friendships aren't created to order they develop organically. Sometimes teenagers need help in navigating the magical and treacherous waters of romantic relationships. Here my job is to help them recognize the powerful forces of attraction and how they affect their thinking and judgment. Some teenagers are at risk of developing toxic relationship patterns and need help understanding what's healthy and what isn't. Many teenagers struggle with not being liked and the fact that they do not like some people. These teenagers are helped by normalizing and contextualizing these feelings. ​Other teenagers are paralyzed by an intense fear of rejection that results in never taking social risks and ending up isolated. These teenagers may be projecting their own intense judgments and need help to see where the problem really is. 

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Clearing up social difficulties in teenagers sets them up to create the kind of social network that is supportive and fulfilling. A good social network gives teenagers a big piece of what they need to be mentally healthy.

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​Below is a list of typical signs that your teenager may have social difficulties and could benefit from psychotherapy to address them. ​​​